Friday, September 30, 2016

The Last Time

EDIT: I want to be perfectly clear that Momma loves Jesus Christ and is more alive today with Him than she ever was here on Earth.  And when I take my final breath here, after I thank/hug/bow down to/worship my Lord and Savior, I will run to her and hug her hard and never live apart from her again!


Her name was Elaine (Momma, to me) and I was infatuated with her from Day 1!! I always wanted to hold her hand, play with her hair, be near her, watch her play the piano and listen to her sing.  I'm sure I was quite annoying at times but the older I got, the closer we were.  We couldn't stay mad at each other for 5 seconds before apologizing and moving on.  We were the absolute best of friends. (That first pic is Momma holding me and my twin around 4 weeks old)  And if you think I have a southern accent, you should've heard hers.   Our favorite thing to do together was to go shopping during the holidays and then eat junk food...especially milk shakes.  She and I used to share the peach one from Chick Fil A. 

       Christmas 2015.  Adam and I were getting ready to leave that evening for the hotel when I believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to go back in the house, look her in the face, and tell her everything she means to me.  I will never forget that conversation. I walked over to her, placed her hands in mine, looked into her eyes and poured out my soul (and cried harder than I ever had at that point in my life).  

I said, "Momma, I just want you to know that you are my very best friend. I am so thankful you're the woman God picked to have me.  I am so grateful you taught me about Jesus, about true faith during the hard times, about marriage, about modesty, about being a good southern hostess, about how to fix my hair, about how to forgive and about how to handle tragedy when it lurks into my life.  I know that you're not perfect and now that I'm a Momma, I know how much we all screw up. But I just want you to know that's not what I remember when I think about you. I remember how much you sacrificed for all of us and how much you tried so hard to be the best Momma you could. I love you so much it hurts."

She was mad at me at first for making her cry.  Oh my word, she hated to cry in public. She used to say she had an ugly cry.  Thinking about that makes me giggle.  She apologized for all of her mistakes and I immediately shut that down knowing how satan loves to remind us of our sins.  I wasn't going to allow her to think on that for a second. 

We should always say what we mean and mean what we say.  Now, as I face my earthly life without her, I have zero regrets about how we left things.  She knew without a shadow of a doubt how much she means to me.  And I feel good inside knowing I allowed myself to feel the pain of saying "goodbye."  I thank Jesus ALL THE TIME for impressing on my heart to go back and say those words to her. 

In the posts to come, I'll describe more the process of grief and how it has affected me personally.  I know there aren't many bloggers my age who discuss this topic and I'd like to help people understand better how to comfort others going through grief as well. 


Monica said...

It is a brave thing to write honestly about the grief process...I am proud of you for sharing this!

I'm so happy that you had that time with her last Christmas. I pray for you often!

Cadovius said...

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! You mean the world to me